Taken again

A long time ago, I wrote about chasing people. It was right after I discovered a close cousin/friend cast me and all her family and life aside to run away from home and start a new life. Now, I understand that desire. Many times in my past, I wanted to move away from everything and start over. The thought was so appealing that it became all-consuming. I never made the move, but my cousin did, and after that new life failed, she returned. And I was happy.

She and I were closer than ever, or so I thought. She seemed genuinely excited to come back home and be with the family she left behind. She made plans, we had fun together and because of my own joy and blinders, I didn’t see the person she had become. I didn’t see the person she had always been.

Have you ever heard that INF personality types attract narcissists? Maybe you’re an INFJ or an INFP, and you’ve experienced the notorious narcissist firsthand. And maybe, more than once. It’s difficult to believe a family member you thought was a friend and ally could turn on you like the manipulative person she always was and you never saw. In my case, I did see it and I saw it more than once. But I didn’t want to believe it. Could I trust my intuition? After all, she was all sweet and smiles and always apologized when she showed her true self and hurt me. I let it go every time, wanting and needing to believe that she was the real deal. I couldn’t be taken by another narcissist, could I?

Sadly, I was. I had more than one opportunity to dismiss her from my life, but I didn’t. I chose to keep in touch with her, help her when she asked me and was always there when she needed to talk. So, I was crushed when I realized she dismissed me from her life. Door slam. Mean. Cold. No feelings. All of it. It was like we were never close friends. Did I imagine it when she hugged me and told me I was like her little sister? She knew about my past, my issues, my pain, and she threw it back at me like I was nothing but a useless piece of trash to her. I no longer served a purpose for her. She no longer wanted to be bothered pretending to care about me.

I’ve been beating on myself, blaming myself for the pain she inflicted. I know I’m not responsible for the behavior of others. But I am responsible for my own choices, and I’m disappointed that I did not choose to trust my intuition. I’m nearly fifty years old and I should’ve learned this by now. And I still wonder if I’ll know better next time. Do I freeze people out or keep them at a distance to protect myself? Dealing with people is messy and difficult, but I need to learn that while I want close friends and family, I also need to pay attention, listen to my inner guide and trust myself.

Trust myself.

*Have you had a similar experience? Please share.