Almost Fifty

Is this really it? Is this what life is like now for me who’s less than a month from turning fifty years old? Fifty years old! And all I can think is–how the hell did that happen? Wasn’t it just 1981 and my family moved to rural Beltsville? The library was an old trailer down the street from me that became a happy place for seven-year-old me. Then it was 1988 and I was playing four-square with my eighth-grade classmates and listening to Pour Some Sugar on Me, wondering what my first year of high school would be like.

Graduation, college, work, relationships, travel, marriage and everything else that makes life speed by. And the bad stuff. The hard stuff. The health issues, the depression, the funerals. All of it leading up to this year and me facing that half-century mark.

I realize that I’m okay with it. Sure, I miss my youthful body that was energetic and free from pain. And lately, I’ve been caught daydreaming in nostalgia and wondering how my life could be different today if I made different choices. Would it be better or worse? Would I feel better or worse? But I don’t have to tell you that we can’t go back. We can only enjoy those memories and make peace with our present.

But I’m sitting here wondering what’s going to happen when I turn fifty. Anything? Will I feel older? Will I feel better than ever? How will my body betray me in the years to come and how will my creative life fare? And the harder stuff–who will I have to say goodbye to and how will that affect my soul? So many questions and I dislike not knowing the answers.

But that’s life.

I’ve been writing my memoir and I know with certainty that I am grateful that I survived to that half-century mark. I’m more than okay with my age because I’m still here and I can honestly say I love my life right now. Could I be healthier? Could I be further along in my creative life and pursuits? Could I be a better wife, daughter, friend? Yes, of course, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is taking each day as it comes and loving and respecting myself and this beautiful life that was gifted to me. And loving and caring for the people that were gifted to me.

Faith.

Gratitude.

Fifty.