Depression is a real thing. So is fear and procrastination. But you know they’re all real and you may have experienced them yourself. So why write about them? Because they are all trying to not only knock me down but keep me there. They don’t want me to thrive. They don’t want me to feel good about myself and what I’ve accomplished.
Depression sucks. But the first monster who nearly crushes the life force from me is fear. Fear I’m not good enough. Fear I’m no good at all. Fear that I’ll be laughed at, mocked and humiliated. So I procrastinate. And because I can’t seem to beat these monsters, I fall into a familiar depression.
Here’s the truth. It sucks to lack confidence. It sucks not to believe in yourself and feel joy in your accomplishments. It sucks to always focus on what I should’ve done or could’ve done, but didn’t. It sucks not forgiving yourself and moving forward. It sucks not to believe in your future.
I guess I needed to get this out to let you know that I’ve been struggling for a while and this is not the first time and may not be the last. But here I am writing this, just to write, just to get it down and feel a little better. This post is the first real thing I’ve written since my last post in May.
So thank you for allowing me to share this.
But there’s more.
As you know from the title of my site and previous posts, I believe in hope, courage and faith. I believe in second chances. So, even though I haven’t been writing and I’ve been tossed around in a negative dark tornado of emotions, I have some positive points to ground me.
I dusted off the novella I was working on last year and I spent a few days reading it and making some changes. Overall, I was pleasantly surprised that I liked the story and will continue to work on it.
I also went to my family reunion and found some desperately needed inspiration through several family members who are perpetually optimistic, smiling and encouraging to me. They believe in me! They’re interested in who I am and what I write. They want to keep in touch throughout the year and not just once a year at our reunion. Fabulous!
And you know what? I’ve already been in touch and it’s a joy to text, email and share pictures.
Fear, procrastination and depression are realities for me and probably for a lot of people. Will I always struggle with them? Yes. But they won’t define me. And they’ll never win because I always come back to the bigger, better realities in my life–love, faith, family and that second chance that I’ll never abandon.