Accepting Unwanted Change

A year ago, I developed an eye disorder that I know now is called Binocular Vision Dysfunction. How did I develop it? What caused it? I still don’t know. But it’s a part of my life now. Funny how life can change so fast. An unwanted change.

Last February, Brian (my husband) and I were walking around our neighborhood. As we were walking, I remember looking at a neighbor’s two-car brick garage. And I noticed that the image slowly became two. It was weird and I was disturbed, but I didn’t think much about it. Maybe I was just tired or maybe it was sinus issues or maybe I needed a new prescription. I’ve worn glasses since I was in grade school and nobody can accuse me of having great vision. I’d been putting off going to the eye doctor because I hate the process, but I knew it was time.

But I didn’t make an appointment, not even after the double vision became more frequent. Instead, I rested my eyes as much as possible and took sinus pills. I was convinced it was sinus pressure. It had to be. I didn’t want to face anything else. I didn’t have an eye doctor in my new town yet. I didn’t have any doctor. I was scared of going to the doctor, scared of discovering there was something very wrong, scared that my already horrible vision was now even more crippling. For four months, I dealt with the double vision, the headaches, the fear, until I finally made an appointment with an eye doctor and then a general practitioner.

I did need a new prescription but nothing else was wrong with my eyes. I told the doctor I had been experiencing strange double vision and wondered if it had to do with eye strain or wearing the wrong prescription. He said it could be and we would see if it changed when I received my new glasses. But they didn’t help and I became more fearful. The general practitioner put me on antibiotics, wondering if it was a sinus infection causing it. No help. I shivered when I knew what they would suggest next–an MRI.

So, in early July, I walked into the office to get my first MRI. I won’t be able to put into words how scared I was. It didn’t matter if family and friends told me it wasn’t that bad and I’d be fine. I remember trying to fall asleep at night and instead hyperventilating about the darkness in the room. I did not want to go into the darkness of that tube. I didn’t think I could do it. And what was worse, I didn’t want to find out if the cause of my double vision was a tumor. I have a friend who’s been dealing with brain tumors for years. She has double vision, headaches and balance issues. That could be me. And I had to face the worst–cancer. Something that gave me double vision now but death later. Or sooner than later. I’m not afraid of dying, but I didn’t want to leave Brian and my family. They needed me. If I have no other purpose in this life, I know that being there for them is it for me. Of course, I didn’t want double vision for the rest of my life either.

With prayer and the kindness of a wonderful tech, I got through the MRI and it came back “unremarkable.” Great news, except I was back to wondering what to do next. So, here’s the thing about me. I research. I love researching everything. And when I first developed double vision, I went to the devil himself–Google.

I don’t have to point out what a nightmare that was. I read about it all–the tumors, cancer, thyroid disease, sinus and on and on it went. But I also learned about BVD–Binocular Vision Dysfunction. The more I read about it, the more I knew in my gut that’s what I had. Simply put, this eye disorder happens when a muscle in one of your eyes goes astray or “wonky,” as I call it, and your eyes don’t align properly to see straight. You can have dizziness, light sensitivity, balance issues and headaches which lead to anxiety and panic attacks. Children often develop it and are treated with special prism lenses to correct it. Surgery is needed for the worst cases.

When I returned to the eye doctor, it wasn’t a surprise when he did some further tests and combined with what I told him, gave me a diagnosis of BVD. Wow. My stomach sank and I felt physically ill. I didn’t want to have this problem. I absolutely dreaded it. I didn’t want to have headaches and dizziness and be what I considered handicapped for the rest of my life. And the more I read about the nightmares other people endured, the more sick I became. The doctor ordered me prism lenses and I spent the next week depressed about this new health issue. This unwanted change. I cried all day, hating that this had happened to me, wondering if I’d ever be normal, do normal things again. Would I be able to drive again? Travel? Just going to the grocery store was difficult. And how would these new lenses work? Give me more headaches? Would I be able to get used to them?

The only good thing about my condition was I was still able to read. The double vision only happened when I looked at a distance. But, even though I could still read books, I was too sad and depressed to do it. And I had a difficult time seeing the computer screen, so my writing was almost nonexistent.

Fast forward from July, when I tried my first prism lenses, to November. The first lenses were awful. I struggled, got headaches and suffered through dizziness. I closed my eyes as much as possible. The second pair of lenses were better and my relief gave me hope. By the end of October, I agreed to do a version of NaNoWriMo with a friend and wrote both on my computer and in my journal. We agreed to go easy and just write as much or as little as we could every day. It was just what I needed. And by the end of December, I was in a much better place physically and emotionally. I started driving again and doing more with family and friends. My eye was still “wonky,” but it was so much better when I wore the prism lenses.

Today, as I write this and think back to a year ago when this all started, I feel grateful. I’m not happy that I have this eye disorder and my vision may never go back to normal. But I’m grateful for the strength I found to endure everything that happened last year. I faced this unwanted change and today, I accept it. Isn’t that what life is typically about? We all have unwanted changes, but we have to find the strength, faith and hope to accept and embrace them. I don’t know what this year will bring me, and I know I will have more challenges and depression in the future. But I also know I’m stronger and more hopeful than I’ve ever been, and I thank everyone who helped and supported me through this past year.

***I found Dr. Jessica when I first started researching my health issue, and her writing, instagram account and podcast were a huge help and comfort for me.