Is pretending a part of your life?

I’m tired of pretending. I don’t want to be fake or a burden or anything other than who I am and how I feel, but that’s hard. It shouldn’t be. We all know those inspirational quotes about just being yourself and you’re enough just as you are.  Be authentic. Be kind to yourself. Blah, blah, blah. The truth is simple–we are all pretenders at some point in our lives. And I wonder–is that a sin?

Maybe some of you don’t believe in sin. Maybe you don’t pretend. Maybe you are who you are all the time. However, I think if you examined your life more closely, you’d come up with a time or two when you pretended. I’ve been pretending most of my life because that’s what introverted, sensitive people do who don’t fully believe in themselves. I love solitude, reading and writing in my journal. I love animals and nature, simple things that are the wonderful joys of life for me.

Sure, I love being with my family and friends, but not all the time. Growing up, I pretended a lot. I did things just to make my family happy because if I appeared to be who they wanted me to be, they were happy with me. I thought they loved me more if I behaved a certain way. I attended one family event and it was loud and crazy with everyone talking and laughing. I participated until I couldn’t anymore. When my dad found me in a quiet spot reading, he chastised me and told me to get back out there. My family never understood my personality, or maybe they did and didn’t want to accept it or support it.

So, even though I was a painfully shy child and teenager, I forced myself to learn the other side. I attended every family event, made plans with friends, traveled, all of it. I smiled, laughed and participated in conversations as much as I could. But, during events, I cherished those bathroom breaks when I could be alone for just a few minutes and revel in the quiet and wish I could disappear so I wouldn’t have to talk or pretend anymore. I was so tired of pretending. But that’s what my family and friends wanted. Isn’t that what most people want today?

You remember that old saying? Life is just a stage and we are all players. We pretend. We pretend so we can be acknowledged and accepted. We pretend so we can secure a job, find and keep love. Most of us learn, like I did, at an early age to pretend. We take that pretense into our young adult years, in college, work and into our friendships, marriages and parenthood. And what happens when we stop pretending?

As a pretender practically my entire life, I am now working hard to break free and accept and love who I really am. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I’m shy. I’m an introvert. I’m sensitive. I love curling up in a quiet place to read or just to think. Sometimes I journal. I love taking walks in nature and sitting on my deck watching the birds, squirrels, bunnies and chipmunks in my back yard. Simple things and a simple life. But I still feel that urge to pretend. I still have that need to always feel productive and that doesn’t include those pastimes I love. Who made up that rule that we always have to be productive or else you’re labeled a slacker or depressed or looked down on. That’s bullshit.

I never had children but, if I did, I know I would’ve accepted my kids for who they were and encouraged their interests and needs. I wouldn’t have forced them to be extroverted or like things that they didn’t. I would’ve allowed them to read a book in a quiet space. I would’ve allowed them to be themselves and not allow anyone else to tell them that they weren’t good enough or they were weird or too shy and so many other criticisms I endured over the years.

When I did find someone who accepted me and loved me for who I am, I had a difficult time accepting it. How could someone love me? I wanted to believe it and, God knows, I adored him, but I was still insecure. I still pretended to be someone else because I feared he’d laugh at me or criticize me. I couldn’t shake it despite his assurances and attempts to convince me otherwise. He’s been my husband for close to twenty years, and I’m so much more comfortable with myself now, but as much as I hate to admit it, there are still those times when I feel less than. There are times when I don’t feel productive enough and he’s going to find fault with me, that I’m not enough. So, sometimes I still pretend, but not often.

Maybe I’ll never stop completely. Maybe all of us are the same–pretenders. I like to think that in my middle-age years, having recently gone through health issues, major surgery, and now intense menopause, plus in the process of writing a memoir, that I finally have the inner strength and faith in myself to finally be me, and whoever has a problem with it or doesn’t like it, too damn bad. Sounds good but it’s difficult to do with loved ones. I still have my parents and they are close in my life and it’s a struggle all the time to be who I really am and possibly suffer their judgement and disapproval. At times I find myself wanting to revert to the great pretender and hope that I get some love. Aren’t we all sometimes just children wanting approval and love from our parents?

You may disagree, but I believe we all pretend. Maybe not all the time, and maybe a lot of us have moved past that behavior, but at some point we were pretenders. And I don’t think it’s bad. I don’t think it’s a sin. But I do believe if we can’t at some point love and approve of who we are, then we’ll never have that life we desire. To be free, to be productive and have a true, awesome life, we have to let go of the great pretender. We have to accept ourselves, nurture our souls, and if we do, we’ll attract the right people to our world and there won’t be any need at all to pretend.

***As I revisit my memoir and continue working on it, posts like these will pop up. I’m going with it and sharing in hopes that it will resonate with some readers. Feel free to reach out if they do.***